Friday, June 09, 2006

Hey JUDE....

When I was 8 years old... I would listen to this song over and over again, relentlessly. Every night, over and over and over on my little record player beside my bed. It brought me peace and hope.

Hey Jude

Hey Jude, don't make it bad.
Take a sad song and make it better.
Remember to let her into your heart,
Then you can start to make it better.

Hey Jude, don't be afraid.
You were made to go out and get her.
The minute you let her under your skin,
Then you begin to make it better.

And anytime you feel the pain, hey Jude, refrain,
Don't carry the world upon your shoulders.
For well you know that it's a fool who plays it cool
By making his world a little colder.

Hey Jude, don't let me down.
You have found her, now go and get her.
Remember to let her into your heart,
Then you can start to make it better.

So let it out and let it in, hey Jude, begin,
You're waiting for someone to perform with.
And don't you know that it's just you, hey Jude, you'll do,
The movement you need is on your shoulder.

Hey Jude, don't make it bad.
Take a sad song and make it better.
Remember to let her under your skin,
Then you'll begin to make it
Better better better better better better, oh.
Naaa na na nananana, nanananaaa hey Jude...

I loved the build up of the song, how it started softly and slowly with words of pain....and built in to a crashing crescendo of hope, faith and conviction that everything was going to be fine.
That it was entirely up to Me to do so. That my life was in my hands.... that I could make of it whatever I chose to. That when I had my daughter I would let her under my skin. And in the time being... I was doing well.

But when I heard Nath had downloaded it onto my iPod... I skipped it. The first few bars were enough to make my heart ache {still do some days}... but today I was brave and I listened to the whole song.
And I became proud of that little 8 year old child... what a kewl little kid. She knew what was going on.
Proud and grateful that the *hell party life* the mid 20year old's that were my "parents" exposed me to, did not break my spirit.
And more than that I was the one to do the breaking... I totally broke the cycle. And that is why I believe in Destiny. 3 generations.... but not Me. Not my soul.

I have been thinking a lot lately about how life is....
Why is it that some women try SO hard to fall pregnant ~ that it is difficult for them?
That there are women who go on IVF for years... then they finally fall pregnant and have a stillbirth? **
Why is it that some women are heroin addicts, neglect their children, even abuse them at times, easily fall pregnant and have a handful of beautiful and gorgeous kids?
Well I dont know the answer. But I am very grateful.... otherwise I would not be here. And She would not be here. A friend said to me recently that I am "amazing"... that I am proof that Good Rises.

I think Hope Floats {and I like that movie}...
I say we all have a cross to bear.
I wish that we may bear it well and learn, and teach.
And ultimately understand and be grateful for the cross(es) in our life.
We are living.
Striving to be the best we can be... each and every day.

I try {somedays... hard} to appreciate that everyone has a cross to bear and not to judge, just accept and Be.
And that includes my Ma.... her cross is a big one.
But aside from it all I knew she loved me, deeply and passionately and with affection which was sweet and childlike. In a way in which my friends would envy and say.... "my Mum is not like that with me".
She just didnt love herself. But I always did. And do. I love you Mum. Always.
You have taught me so many things... mainly to love myself, whatever day it is. To BE the good bits of You. And to channel the energy of wanting more of a particular kinda Mum... to being a particular kinda Mum.
Peace, love and acceptance to all.

**{She just had a very healthy little boy… a couple of days ago *sweet*}

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