Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Today I am Celebrating....

I am celebrating my final lesson learnt from my mother ~ forgive but not forget ~

Forgiveness is important... and imperative for being able to move forward in our lives. But forgetting, or dismissing or blocking the intial requirement for forgiveness can be a dangerous thing.
And I found this out the very hard way when my little girl was harmed when she was only 2 years old.
I shall never forget again.

For a long time I thought to forgive my mother meant that I continued to have her as part of my life. This weekend she came to our home... she said something so despicable and disgusting. She confirmed that my daughter had been harmed in her care... and she tried to make light of the situation. She tried to pass it off as a simple accident....

Nath said to me "you are a bigger person than I Bek... I would have slapped her"....
I am not sure I am a bigger person.
I spent years being abused by her and her partner.
And conditioned.
Wanting things to be beautiful... and loving and just fucken normal....
She said it so casually in front of my daughter - I went into shock... and protective mothering mode... I wanted her out of our home...pronto. As I stood and waved goodbye with my jaw still on the ground... I turned to Nath and said "she is fucken crazy... and I wont see her again"...

I can forgive her for being the person she is...... but that does not mean I need to forget. And nor does my ability to forgive mean that I need her in my life.
Previously I found it difficult because she is my mother ... I was borne from her womb, surely for me to be a beautiful person, there must be some beauty in her ?
If there is I have not seen it.

My beauty is mine alone... my strength of character... MINE.... my determination.... My ability to LOVE, my natural ability to nurture and protect my child - totally all MINE.

The lessons my soul required to learn from choosing her as my mother..... are learnt and I no longer need or want her in my life.

In the past I have struggled with envy towards my friends who had nurturing and caring mothers.
Grandmothers who nurture and love.
A family of strong and united women.... who nurture and love. I wished for that... I wished for what I never had.
Mikaela and I do not have that with my mother. We never have and we never will.
However... I made my wish our reality.. because we have it with each other. And we will have it when I am a Grandmother and when Mikaela is a Grandmother...
For now and for always... together...we have a family of love to nurture and protect. And so importantly ... we have it with Him too. A family. United.
We also have a tribe of women to unite with.... the family we have chosen, our friends, our community.
ANd for this I am blessed.
As is Mikaela.
So today I am celebrating :
The person I am.
The mother I am.
The child Mikaela is.

On Saturday night... a friend of mine {Suze} turned to me and said of Mikaela "she has such poise"... and I turned to watch her. And I smiled so proudly. It is true... Mikalea is poised, confident, happy and sweet. She knows she is loved. She knows I honour her word. And she knows I will protect her and defend her until my last breath. She is a great girl who will grow into an amazing woman. And I did that. I broke the cycle. I AM proud. And I am happy.

Above is Leonie's beautiful painting for Mikaela... they live in her room and watch over her ... as protecting angels. The photo above also has a home on Mikaela's bedroom wall ~ Leonie and I were struck by the similarity to the painting~ Peace and Love


shaz said...

hello sweetness i catch up with you everyday, Im blissfully aware of your inner strength and it radiates to all who read your words, they are as beautiful as you are and you seem to be able to portray that beauty in every word. Congratulations and thankyou for your sweet heart and true words. I will e.mail you soon and give you a clearer picture of me and mine...Big Hug to you and yours. Shaz xoxo

Goddess of Leonie said...

gorgeous gorgeous woman...

i'm sorry your mama isn't a positive energy in your life at all... that really sucks...

something i have learned deeply...
is how at a point in our lives, we become our own mothers. we hold the hands of our own inner child and tell them:
i know you've been hurt in the past. i know you didn't feel taken care of, or loved properly. but i'm here now, and i will love you, i will take care of you.
and we take the hands of the little girls in us, and we become our own mothers.

i honour the decisions you make for you and your little girl, and your daughter...

love you

b/sistersshoes said...

I hurt for you...not because I feel sorry for you, but my natural response would be to rewind time and put you into my family. I would be your big sister and NEVER let anyone harm you. I would love you and play with you and take you places in my car...we would love each other and be sisters.

I am proud of you...of the woman you have become, the Mother you are and the choices you have made. I love you and you are my sister.

xxx dar

Goddess of Leonie said...

did mikaela likey likey it?


Bek said...

Shazz... you are a sweet soul. And I am so happy to have met you. I LOVE your email and will reply soon my beautiful friend.

Dar...indeed you are my sister, that is true. If it were not for my 3 beautiful sisters... and 1 adorable toddler brother... my upbringing would have been unbearable to endure. Thankfully I was blessed with these comrades. To have you as a friend during these years would have been so very nice.

Leonie... so very true. I think I got caught being everyone elses mother... from about age 5 ... that I forgot about my little girl who was never able to have a free and joyful childhood. And I denied her the ability to "Be" when I got older and more secure in being Me. Now.. not so much *grin*. I been back to "that" house and visited my young self.. and told her " dont worry, you are right, you already know.. but what you dont know and what you are not sure of... is that you are going to grow into a great woman"

AND Leonie... Mikaela LOVED her angels... but she prefers to call them "Princesses" I tried to explain that princesses are not as powerful as angels... but hey ~she knows what rocks her boat~

I love you all so much and feel totally inspried and blessed by you all.

Bek said...

I N S P I R E D.