Today I am Celebrating....

I am celebrating my final lesson learnt from my mother ~ forgive but not forget ~

Forgiveness is important... and imperative for being able to move forward in our lives. But forgetting, or dismissing or blocking the intial requirement for forgiveness can be a dangerous thing.
And I found this out the very hard way when my little girl was harmed when she was only 2 years old.
I shall never forget again.

For a long time I thought to forgive my mother meant that I continued to have her as part of my life. This weekend she came to our home... she said something so despicable and disgusting. She confirmed that my daughter had been harmed in her care... and she tried to make light of the situation. She tried to pass it off as a simple accident....

Nath said to me "you are a bigger person than I Bek... I would have slapped her"....
I am not sure I am a bigger person.
I spent years being abused by her and her partner.
And conditioned.
Wanting things to be beautiful... and loving and just fucken normal....
She said it so casually in front of my daughter - I went into shock... and protective mothering mode... I wanted her out of our home...pronto. As I stood and waved goodbye with my jaw still on the ground... I turned to Nath and said "she is fucken crazy... and I wont see her again"...

I can forgive her for being the person she is...... but that does not mean I need to forget. And nor does my ability to forgive mean that I need her in my life.
Previously I found it difficult because she is my mother ... I was borne from her womb, surely for me to be a beautiful person, there must be some beauty in her ?
If there is I have not seen it.

My beauty is mine alone... my strength of character... MINE.... my determination.... My ability to LOVE, my natural ability to nurture and protect my child - totally all MINE.

The lessons my soul required to learn from choosing her as my mother..... are learnt and I no longer need or want her in my life.

In the past I have struggled with envy towards my friends who had nurturing and caring mothers.
Grandmothers who nurture and love.
A family of strong and united women.... who nurture and love. I wished for that... I wished for what I never had.
Mikaela and I do not have that with my mother. We never have and we never will.
However... I made my wish our reality.. because we have it with each other. And we will have it when I am a Grandmother and when Mikaela is a Grandmother...
For now and for always... together...we have a family of love to nurture and protect. And so importantly ... we have it with Him too. A family. United.
We also have a tribe of women to unite with.... the family we have chosen, our friends, our community.
ANd for this I am blessed.
As is Mikaela.
So today I am celebrating :
The person I am.
The mother I am.
The child Mikaela is.

On Saturday night... a friend of mine {Suze} turned to me and said of Mikaela "she has such poise"... and I turned to watch her. And I smiled so proudly. It is true... Mikalea is poised, confident, happy and sweet. She knows she is loved. She knows I honour her word. And she knows I will protect her and defend her until my last breath. She is a great girl who will grow into an amazing woman. And I did that. I broke the cycle. I AM proud. And I am happy.

Above is Leonie's beautiful painting for Mikaela... they live in her room and watch over her ... as protecting angels. The photo above also has a home on Mikaela's bedroom wall ~ Leonie and I were struck by the similarity to the painting~ Peace and Love
Bx