EAJC #40, Not Anymore...

Emily's challenge this week was "Not Anymore", what is not anymore in your life?

For me my NOT ANYMORE is that once upon a time, I did not think of myself as "worthy" to have the life I dreamed of. SoulMates were for other people, my friends... but I would not have one. A job that both inspired AND paid well was not something I "deserved". To have a happy, content and well adjusted family. To really **LOVE** myself was not even in the realms of possibility... these fears and feelings were left over from my childhood, which was pretty traumatic. I grew up in fear. My mother was (and still is today) a herion addict and alcholic. I spent 17 years in pretty awful conditions and the situations that her addictions exposed me (and my siblings) to... I would not wish upon anyone.

That feels like a lifetime ago now to how my life is today.

That is not to say that the scars do not remain, they are there... and every now and again something will trigger me to revisit some of the most violent and terrible times in my childhood. Thats okay. I have learnt it is okay to have had such experiences so long as I do not allow them to define me. I *am* defined by how I have dealt with these experiences, by how I have overcome them. I am the person I am today in spite of my experiences but not because of them. Today I have the strength to be honest about my abusive childhood, it happened, it is real... it is not "who I am" I do not need to feel judged for the wrong doing of adults in my life, especially since I was just an innocent child. The more we talk... the more we can heal and help others...

I came to a point in my life where I realised that I was the one in control. I could not change the past... but I could change and take control of the future... of today. Of my behaviour, of myself. To be a survior and not a victim for the rest of my life. That is all I have ever wished for my mother, but you can not take responsiblitly for others... only for yourself.

That is when my life took a major turn for the better. I became grateful for all my good decisions. I treasured my life and my daughter, my friends, my career... MYSELF!! and things have been on the up and up ever since...

That is why my blog is full of gratitude and all the bits and pieces of my life that make me happy and even proud.

Proud to have broken the addiciton and pain that had been part of my family history for at least 3 generations I know of.

Proud for creating a better *me* and a wonderful, bright future for myself, my family and my children.

Life really is what we make it.
THAT is why I am SO grateful... and why my "not anymore" is that I no longer consider myself "unworthy" to live the life I dream of.

Oh and if you managed to get to reading this.... you deserve to know about my RAK :-)

Love and Peace
Choose Happiness...
I did.
Bx